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Post by Fuggle on Aug 31, 2004 13:55:25 GMT -5
Acute
An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.
They undressed and were about to screw, when the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.
"I should tell you, I have acute angina." she said.
The man replied, "That's good because you have the ugliest breasts I have ever seen!" Molested
A woman rushes into a police station and cries, “Help, help! I’ve been molested by a virgin!”<br> Calming the woman down, an officer asks, “How do you know it was a virgin?”<br> The woman gasps, “Because I had to help him.”<br> Wife's idea
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country.
He hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for a while, then got off and drove along a rural dirt road in the middle of farm country.
After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the field driving a tractor.
Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants.
"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"
"Well, city boy, the other day I went out a-working in the fields, and I plum fergot to wear mah shirt.
Got back to the house that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board, now this here's mah wife's idea." Nudist colony
A man joins a nudist colony, takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6 foot blond walks by him; the man gets a hard-on.
Blond: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Blond: "You must be new here, it's a rule when I give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me."
The blond lays down and lets the man screw her. The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts.
A huge man comes toward him.
Huge Man: "Sir, did you call for me?" New Man: "No, I just got here." Huge Man: You must be new here, it is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me."
The huge man turns him around and sodomizes him. The new man rushes back to the receptionist...
New Man: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500." Receptionist: "But Sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...." New Man: (Rudely interrupting) "Listen lady, I am 45 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 4, 2004 12:07:22 GMT -5
View
What is the only bad thing about the '69' position?
The view.
Bar tab
A man in a bar downs a few beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $6.
“But I paid, don’t you remember?” the customer asks.
“OK,” the bartender says. “If you say you paid, you did.”
The man leaves and tells the first guy he sees that the bartender can’t keep track of whether his customers have paid for their drinks.
The second man rushes in, orders a beer and pulls the same stunt.
The bartender replies, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”
That customer soon goes into the street, sees an old friend and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries in and starts downing a beer.
The bartender leans over and says, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight.
Two guys were drinking, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get his ass kicked.”
“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the man responds. “Just give me my change, and I’ll be on my way.”<br> Lazy
Why are lesbians so lazy?
Because they don't do dick...
Zippers
Why do Scottish shepherds wear kilts?
Zippers make the sheep nervous.
Fool's gold
A woman goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.
She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.
"Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 4, 2004 12:19:26 GMT -5
Blind man
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.
"There is a blind man to see you," she says.
"Well, if he is a blind man, then it does not matter if I'm in the shower, send him in."
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts, "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?"
Necktie
What's fifteen inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
A lawyer's necktie.
Stolen car
A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A street cop on his beat sees the guy and approaches him.
"Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.
"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.
The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"
"It wassss at the end of thisss key," the man replied.
About that time, the officer looked down to see that the man's dick was hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asked the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The man looked down woefully and without missing a beat, moans, "Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"
Cheque account
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank," says the teller.
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager assures her that under no circumstances should she have to listen to such foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fuckin' lottery..... and I want to open a damn checking account at this suckass bank."
"I see..." says the manager. "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Mother of six
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.
A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?"
This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.
Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"
The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with you - father of four!"
Ridiculous
Jack's grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him.
After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more.
On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men's names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men.
Finally, he decided to confront her.
"Diane," he said, "The only reason you married me was because my grandfather left me ten million dollars when he died!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she replied, "I don't care who gave you the money!"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 4, 2004 12:21:43 GMT -5
Oops!
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He'd never been with a woman like this before, but he decides what the heck it's only twenty bucks.
They're getting friendly for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 7, 2004 7:36:58 GMT -5
Hospitality
A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.
There was a cottage nearby so he went up to it and knocked on the door.
The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. "My car has conked out," said the traveler, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."
The traveler duly entered the humble but cozy residence.
"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. "Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."
The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, and he saw that the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.
"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."
No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on floor and was on the job. Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander.
He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.
"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor." Parrot
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.
The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.
Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."
The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."
The guy says, "What's up?"
The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."
The guy says, "He did??"
The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."
The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"
The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!" Guess my age
A woman gets a facelift for her 47th birthday.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand and asks the sales clerk, “How old do you think I am?”<br> “About 32,” the clerk replies.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman says.
She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the cashier the same question.
“I’d guess about 29,” she says.
“Nope, I’m 47,” the woman replies.
Later, as she waits for the bus, she asks an old man the same question.
“I’m 78,” he says, “and my eyesight is starting to go. But when I was young, you could determine a woman’s age by putting my hand up her shirt and feeling her boobs.”<br> Curiosity getting the best of her, she says, “What the hell, go ahead.”<br> He slips his hand up her shirt and, after a few minutes, says, “You’re 47.”<br> “That’s amazing!” she says, stunned. “How did you know?”<br> “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”<br> Growing old
After 15 years of not having sex, an old couple finally decide that it's about time they did something about their sex life.
After much deliberation they decide to have a nudist day, they will walk around the house all day with nothing on, and just see what happens.
The next day comes and they decide to have breakfast round the kitchen table without a scrap of clothing on.
After a little while the old lady turns to here husband and says, "By jove I think this is working, I'm getting really turned on!!"
They old man replies, "Well how do you mean love?"
His wife says, "Well I'm getting all hot….. my nipples are red hot!!!"
He replies, "Well I'm not bloody surprised woman! You've got one nipple in your coffee and the other in your porridge!" V.D. ?
A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van (shag carpets, big double mattress in the back... all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!"
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Evansvicious
Full Member
Kick Ass Bitch
We're so pretty o so pretty VACENT, and we dont CARE! Rock n roll 4eva and eva!
Posts: 114
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Post by Evansvicious on Sept 7, 2004 13:56:00 GMT -5
This aint one of those long jokes but.... How do you confuse a dickhead? 42!!! Sorry i couldnt resist!
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 7, 2004 17:42:04 GMT -5
Now now Katie... you'll only confuse Rachael with jokes like that!!!
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 7, 2004 17:44:33 GMT -5
Swapping
Two couples who have been friends for years decide to spend the weekend at a fancy hotel.
When they get there, one of the husbands suggests they get a little wild and swap partners.
After two hours of solid sex by the fireside, the man turns to his new partner and says, “Wow! This is the best sex I’ve had in years.”<br> “Yeah,” his new companion agrees.
“I wonder how the girls are doing.”<br> Republican
A little old lady calls 911.
When the operator answers, she yells, "Help, send the police to my house right away. There's a damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed.
"I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird, I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police," the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!" Losing weight
Sex is the most practical and funniest way of losing weight. Look how many calories you can burn:
TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES With her agreement - 12 cal Without her agreement - 187 cal
TAKING OFF THE BRA With both hands - 8 cal With one hand - 12 cal With one hand being slapped - 37 cal With the mouth - 85 cal
PUTTING ON THE CONDOM With erection - 6 cal Without erection - 315 cal
PRELIMINARIES Trying to find the clitoris - 8 cal Trying to find G spot - 92 cal Without caring at all - 0 cal
WHEN DOING IT Holding her up - 12 cal Just on the floor - 8 cal
POSITIONS Daddy-mummy - 12 cal 69 laying - 8 cal 69 standing up - 112 cal Trolley - 216 cal Italian chandelier - 912 cal
HAVING AN ORGASM Real - 112 cal Fake - 315 cal
POST ORGASM Staying in bed - 8 cal Jumping off the bed - 36 cal Explaining why you jumped off the bed - 816 cal
GETTING THE SECOND ERECTION Between 16 and 19 years of age - 12 cal from 20 to 29 - 36 cal from 30 to 39 - 108 cal from 40 to 49 - 324 cal from 50 to 59 - 972 cal over 60 - 2916 cal
PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES Quietly - 32 cal Being in a hurry - 98 cal With her husband opening the door - 218 cal Crutches please
When Don first noticed that his prick was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was Donna.
But after several weeks and nearly nine inches later, Don became concerned and the couple went to see a doctor.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, although rare, Don's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" Donna asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well, yes," said Donna, "You ARE planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 11, 2004 18:11:53 GMT -5
Who came first?
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!" Best shag in NY
A guy walks in to a New York bar and latches on to a gorgeous looking girl who turns out to be a hooker.
After they have chatted for a while he asks her how much she charges.
"Well, honey, you're a good looking guy, so I'll give you a hand job for $500"
The guy is taken back by this offer, "How come it's so expensive?"
"Honey" she says, "See that Rolls Royce parked outside, that's mine, bought from the proceeds of hand jobs, I'm the best there is".
The next day the guy is back in the bar to see her.
"God, he says you were good, I've been thinking about you all night and got to know, how much for a blow job?"
"As you're a good customer I'll do you for $2000 as a special offer"
"$2000, how good are you?"
"Look out of the window at that tower block, I bought that on the proceeds of giving the best blow jobs in New York"
The guy had to have her and boy was it good!!
A few days later he is back after getting a big bonus from work.
"How much to have full sex with you?, I just have too have you, name your price!"
"Honey, look out that window, you see that Island out there?" (She is pointing at Staten Island)
"Don't tell me" says the guy, "You bought that on the proceeds of being the best shag in New York".
"No, but if I'd been born a woman I would have!!" Obsessions
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." Moths
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!" Won't be yours
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.
When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"
The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes, "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy."
The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?"
The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours." Careful wishes
Joe walks into a bar and sits down.
He notices that the guy next to him is talking and listening to a tiny man, less than a foot tall who is playing an equally tiny piano on the bar in front of him.
Joe is like "Holy crap, where did you get that?"
The guy gives him a small rock. He tells him all he has to do is rub it and he'll get anything he wishes for.
Joe takes the rock and takes off for the bathroom.
A few minutes later he emerges, looking dazed and confused, and is followed by thousands of ducks.
He goes back to the bar and says "I don't understand. I wished for a million bucks, and suddenly I was surounded by all of these ducks. What happened?"
The man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, what do you think? Do you really believe that I wished for a ten inch pianist?"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 11, 2004 19:35:39 GMT -5
Business
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer & dryer but there is no price listed on them.
He asks a salesman who says, "Five pounds for both of them."
"Yeah right, you've got to be joking!" the man says.
"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. He continues to look around and sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers.
"How much?" he asks.
"Five pounds for the system, including installation" the salesman says.
"Is it stolen?" the man asks incredulously.
"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Certainly," the man says. He looks around some more.
As the salesman is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"
The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her,... I'm doing to his business!" Chicago
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Charlie, what are you doing?"
Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"
Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago".
"Great," replied the nurse. The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.
Shocked, she asks, "Bob, what are you doing?!"
Bob says, "I'm gettin' it on with Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!" Valentine lines
Valentine Card Rejects
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister, you should check out the one that I gave to your sister! Buffet
Once upon a time two men had been sitting in a bar drinking for a considerable time and had started to become a wee bit inebriated and argumentative.
They argued about football, politics, women and so on. Eventually after more drinks they started arguing about a real guy thing, as to which of them had the largest pecker.
The barman was starting to get a bit irritated at all the ruckus the men were creating, but because he was used to this type of thing, said to them, "Look, if you'll just cut out the noise, I'll be the judge of this argument. Lay your peckers on the bar and I'll tell you which is the biggest."
The two men agreed to this and so they proudly laid their peckers on the bar. Just as the barman was about to give his decision, a gay fellow came in and walked up to the bar.
The barman told the two guys to wait a minute and turning to the gay chap said "What can I get you?"
The gay chap looked down at the bar and said, "Well I was just going to have a beer, but now I think I'll have a bit of the buffet!" Hold the Mayo
Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over and to try to keep quiet, they devise a code.
His girlfrend will say tomato if she wants him to go slower and lettuce for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "Lettuce, lettuce, tomato, tomato!"
The roommate on the bottom bunk wakes up the next morning and says, "Stop making sandwiches at night, you got mayonnaise in my eye!"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 11, 2004 21:08:44 GMT -5
One more time
There is a boy and girl in CCD class.
The girl falls to sleep.
The teacher asks a question, "Who created Earth?"
The boy pokes her with a pen and she yells "God." She then falls back to sleep.
The teacher asks another question, "Who was the Holy family?"
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says "Jesus, Mary, Joseph." She again falls back to sleep.
The teacher asks another question "What did Mary say to Joseph after their 23rd baby?"
The boy pokes her with a pen and she says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time I swear I will snap it in half!" Panties
Mrs. Jones frantically called her doctor, Dr. Smith, and asked, "Doctor, did I happen to leave my panties in your examining room when I was there earlier today?"
Dr. Smith replied, "No. We found no panties here."
Mrs. Jones answered, "O.K., I must have left them at the dentist's." Come to me
Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi ladies, is French for 'come to me'."
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying: "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?" Never say after sex
1.) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2.) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3.) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4.) "You've done this with a lotta guys before...right?"
5.) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"
6.) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7.) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8.) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9.) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10.) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11.) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.
12.) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13.) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14.) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15.) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
16.) "I've been getting these little blisters lately......."
17.) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18.) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 14, 2004 20:13:10 GMT -5
Temperature
The doctor was caught in bed with the farmer's wife and explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature.
The farmer took his shotgun, primed it and said, "I guess you know what you're doing, doc, but that thing had better have numbers on it when you take it out." Spaghetti
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon.
Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant.
Suddenly, Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?"
Gary yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!"
The waiter apologizes up and down as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Mary looks over at Gary, and shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there!" Just great!
A nurse walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
She reaches into her handbag and pulls a out a rectal thermometer..
"Great, just great...," she says to the teller.
"That means some asshole's got my pen." Sex in the Jungle
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 14, 2004 20:25:16 GMT -5
L and R
A mother was buying her daughter a pair of shoes and whilst trying them on, the daughter asks, "Why have they got L and R on them?"
Her mother replied, "So you know which feet to put them on."
Her daughter then says, "Is that why I have C and A written on my knickers?" Like to F#ck her!
Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them.
"What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to fuck her!"
"Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?" Space mission
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on board.
While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls the first pig and asks, "Pig#1, do you know your mission?"
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to Earth, land shuttle. Oink oink."
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs, and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!" Attention
What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention. Gas station
Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car. My Mom is better
Two little boys were arguing.
"My father is better than your father!"
"No he's not!"
"My brother is better than your brother!"
"No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!"
The second boy paused. "Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 26, 2004 7:10:19 GMT -5
Flea
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: "Have you thought about it? Do you know how you'd like to spend the rest of eternity?"
Flea: "Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I'd like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady's dog."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: "Flea, how are you doing?"
Flea: "Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I'm nauseous and I have a headache from the smell."
SP: "Well you know that you aren't supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh yes, St. Peter! I have thought about it and I'm sorry I didn't bring it up before, I'd like to spend it in Willie Nelson's beard."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
SP: "Hello flea, how are you doing now?"
Flea: "I'm sorry St. Peter, I'm not doing well at all. I get woke up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It's Hell, St. Peter, I'm miserable!"
SP: "You know, flea, you're not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is 'Hell,' have you considered what else you might like to do?"
Flea: "Oh, St. Peter, YES! I have thought about it, and I have decided that I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton's bush."
SP: "So be it, it's done."
Not being able to stand his curiosity, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.
SP: "How's it going flea?"
Flea: "Oh, hi St. Peter, well, it's kind of strange... You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There were hands all over me and I don't quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard!" Med class
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”<br> The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger."
"Pay attention!”<br> Blind
A father walks into the bathroom and catches his son masturbating.
“Dammit, son!” he yells. “How many times have I told you not to do that? If you don’t stop, you’re going to go blind!”
The son replies, “I’m over here, Dad.”
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Post by Fuggle on Sept 26, 2004 7:20:32 GMT -5
Homesick
A truck driver goes into a brothel and says to the madam, "Here's $500, give me a bolongna sandwich and the ugliest girl you have."
The madam says, "But sir, for $500 you can have the finest meal and the most beautiful girl here."
The trucker replies, "I'm not horny, I'm home sick."
Immortality
I recently picked a new primary care physician.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, I've heard that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, or rock climbing?"
"No, I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?"
"No," I said. "I've never done any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"
Wet wet wet
What do you get if you cross Bananarama with a Vibrator?
Wet Wet Wet.
Hilbilly sex
There's this little Ozark family. Maw, Paw, Junior and Sally.
One day Junior asks, "Paw, whut's sex?"
Paw sits back, thinks about it, and replies, "Well, Junior, I reckon yore "bout ol 'nuff to find out. Maw, take off all yer clothes, jump up on the bed, and spread 'n 'em legs."
After Maw is undressed and lying on the bed, Paw looks at Junior and says, "You see that there hole on Maw? Well, jist watch ol' Paw."
Paw jumps on top of Maw and starts doing her every which way.
About this time, Sally walks in, walks over to Junior and whispers, "Jun...Junior. wh-whut's that?"
Junior being a man of the world now, looks back at Sally and grins, "That's whatcha call 'sex'."
"You see that there hole on Paw? Jist watch ol' Junior...."
Rabbi vs. I.R.S.
After getting a job at the IRS, a young hotshot gets his first assignment, auditing an aging rabbi.
Arriving at the synagogue, he decides to have a little fun. "Rabbi," he says, "what do you do with your candle drippings?"
"Well," the elderly rabbi replies in surprise, "we send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free candle."
"I see," the taxman says. "And what about the crumbs from your table?"
The rabbi looks at him, again taken aback. "Well, we send them to the matzo-ball factory, and every once in a while, they send us a free jar of matzo balls."
Nodding, the auditor asks his final question. "So tell me," he asks, furrowing his brow, "what do you do with the foreskins from circumcisions?"
By now, the rabbi is fed up. "Well, we send them to the IRS," he answers slowly. "And every once in a while, they send us a little prick like you."
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