|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 15:20:06 GMT -5
More rope
There was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy.
One day, she went to his parent's house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture.
While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.
She asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
He says, "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" she asked.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked.
He says, "Those are his knots."
She says, "Oh, OK, I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.
While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 15:56:41 GMT -5
Getting fixed
Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"
The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."
The first dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting taking her from the rear!"
The second dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?"
"Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed."
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 16:04:08 GMT -5
Ghost
A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands.
"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further.....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
The student replies, "Ghost? Damn..... From back there I thought you said, 'Goats'!"
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 16:15:08 GMT -5
Ending It All
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 16:17:17 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 16:20:06 GMT -5
Autopsie lesson
A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.
"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."
At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.
"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"
After the class was over, it took the janitor three hours to mop up the vomit.
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 16:27:54 GMT -5
Give up drugs
Monday, two boys were in court after doing their community service for vandalism charges, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your arsehole before prison..... and (pointing to the large circle) this is your arsehole after prison.
|
|
|
Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 29, 2004 21:13:52 GMT -5
ahaha.... good ones ;D
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 29, 2004 22:34:20 GMT -5
Glad you like them... I've got shit loads more but I think I'll let people catch up first!!! ;D
|
|
|
Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 1:45:23 GMT -5
damn, I can't remember any at the moment.... fucking memory's shot or summik.... anyway, if I think of any or find any, I'll post em
|
|
|
Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 9:00:47 GMT -5
Sorted... thanks Amber!!!
|
|
|
Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:07:00 GMT -5
There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it. So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room. She said, "Well sir I'm not sure if that would be a good idea, you see, there are buttons in there."
He says, "Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I won't push any buttons."
So she tells him, "Go ahead, just don't push any buttons."
So he goes in there he's sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow, one is red, and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind. He thinks, *wow that felt good, I'll press the red button.* So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him. So then he pushes the green button and passes out.
He wakes up in hospital some time later. He looks up at the flight attendant and she asks, "You pushed the green button didn't you?"
He knods and asks, "What happened?"
She explained, "The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover, your dick is laying under your pillow."
|
|
|
Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:07:30 GMT -5
A Truck Driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, *Oh no, I have a priest in the truck I can't run down this lawyer.* And at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road." And the priest said, "Don't worry Son, I got him with my door."
|
|
|
Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:08:14 GMT -5
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says, "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world. Nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying, "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world; Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away." Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
|
|
|
Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:11:02 GMT -5
A husband is at hom watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she then asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WESTINGHOUSE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix steps." He says, "Does it look like I have ACE HARDWARE written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"I've had enough of you woman. I'm going to the bar!!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home.
As he approaches to the door, he notices that the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working.
As he goes to get a beer, he notices that the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey," he asks, "How'd all this get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all of the repairs, and in return, all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."
Her husband asked, "So what kind of cake did you bake?"
She looked and him and replied, "Helllooooo.... Do you see BETTY CROCKER written on my forehead? I don't think so!"
|
|