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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:47:43 GMT -5
Barbars Advice
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness.
After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've gotta admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:49:46 GMT -5
Little XXX Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood was already to take lunch over to her grandmothers when her mother had handed her a shotgun.
"Now, little red, you must be careful of the Big Bad Wolf," her mother explained.
"He will lift up your little red dress and pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off."
"Ok, I will mother."
red assured her.
While going down the trail out came the big bad wolf just like her mother had warned.
"Little Red Riding Hood! I'm going to lift you little red dress up, pull down your little red panties, and screw your little red socks off!"
Well with no hesitation, the wolf pulled up Little Red Riding Hood's little red dress and pulled down Little Red Riding Hood's little red panties, but just then with a clam and collected look, Little Red Riding Hood points the shot gun to the Big Bad Wolf's head and says, "Your not going to screw my little red socks off. Your going to EAT me just like the book says!"
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:51:19 GMT -5
Deadly Vices
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:55:26 GMT -5
The Farmer
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired himwas to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed.
"Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after afew seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once."
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Post by Izzy on Aug 3, 2004 10:23:43 GMT -5
Where do you get all these from ahahahaaa...! Tis great!!
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 3, 2004 13:29:25 GMT -5
Just through searching my browser... I'll add some more later today.
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 5, 2004 16:40:11 GMT -5
Who's faster Two vans were racing from L.A. to San Francisco one filled with lesbians and the other filled with gays. Who got there first and why? The lesbians did because they were doing 69 the whole way while the gays were still at home packing their shit.
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 5, 2004 16:42:53 GMT -5
Gorilla Removal This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 5, 2004 16:46:44 GMT -5
Son of a Bitch! Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?" Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 5, 2004 16:49:08 GMT -5
Gas problem Peter goes to the doctor and says, 'Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent.' The doctor says, 'I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.' The next week Peter goes back. 'Doctor,' he says, 'I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.' 'Good,' the doctor said. 'Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.'
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 5, 2004 16:58:55 GMT -5
One Hole Behind A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there. While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"? She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh." "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax." With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh." "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 9, 2004 7:52:23 GMT -5
Peanut Problem
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 9, 2004 7:56:26 GMT -5
Caught Cheating
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.
She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The terrified husband, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to... to... cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye said, "No, You are!!! I'm going to set the garage on fire.
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 9, 2004 7:59:32 GMT -5
dog fart
One day a guy got invited over to his girlfriend's parents house for dinner. He really liked the girl and was set out to impress her parents. When he arrived at the girl's house he was quickly whisked into the dinning room where they were getting reading to sit down for dinner. He sat down in his chair and the family dog curled up under him. Halfway through dinner the man felt a rumble in his tummy and noticed he had gas. He was very uncomfortable so he let a little bit out hoping no one would notice. As soon as he did, the girl's father yelled at the dog "Rufus!" The guy thought, hey, this is great and let out a little bit more. Once again, the girl's father yelled "Rufus!" They guy decided to let all the gas out since the father thought it was the dog. After he let a long fart out, the girl's father yells at the dog "RUFUS! Get out from under that chair before that man shits on you!"
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Post by Fuggle on Aug 9, 2004 8:17:42 GMT -5
Unconcerned Widow
An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it.
Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasn't worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."
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