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Post by Syd on Jan 24, 2005 16:34:33 GMT -5
i am too lazy to read any of these. are they really funny?
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Post by Sheriff John Bunnell on Jan 26, 2005 8:26:08 GMT -5
most of them are
A man and his wife had been stranded on a deserted island for many years. The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Homer) washes up on the shore. Homer and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols will have to be observed. The husband, however, is very glad to see Homer there.
"Now we will be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
Homer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and stands watch, observing the ocean horizon for any ships. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Homer yells down: "Hey, no fucking!"
They couple looks at each other and yells back: "We're not fucking!"
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Homer yells down: "Heeey, no fucking!"
Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!"
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof to their shack to patch leaks. Once again Homer yells down from high above: "Hey, I said no fucking!!"
"We said we're not fucking!!"
Finally the shift is over and Homer climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's only half-way up when the wife and Homer are screwing their brains out.
Once at the top, the husband looks out from the tower and says: "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking."
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Post by marwood on Feb 6, 2005 20:13:56 GMT -5
hahahaha
i love that one sherriff...
tis good.
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Post by Fuggle on Mar 1, 2005 20:23:22 GMT -5
Hahaha... sorted geezer!!!
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Post by Sheriff John Bunnell on Mar 16, 2005 12:46:56 GMT -5
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
"Harry, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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Post by Sheriff John Bunnell on Mar 16, 2005 19:04:46 GMT -5
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:"You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water.Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard.Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.Your daughter is using cocaine.Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.They aren't yours.Get a lawyer.And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
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Post by Sheriff John Bunnell on Sept 13, 2005 14:41:02 GMT -5
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