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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:12:20 GMT -5
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes: Whatever you wish for, your husband will also get ten times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis that women will flock to."
The woman replied,"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
The moral of the story: Women are clever bitches.
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:13:19 GMT -5
hahahaa!!!! nice one Amber... thanks for them!!!
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:13:42 GMT -5
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly macked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:14:52 GMT -5
An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Bubba
At 4am the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Bubba.
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:16:24 GMT -5
"Hi honey, this is Daddy... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
"Uh, Okay, then, here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming; then she tripped over the rug and fell down the stairs and she's not moving any more.
"Oh no... and what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.... but he must have forgot that ast week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's not moving either."
*****long pause*****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?! Is this 597-7039?"
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:16:55 GMT -5
Finger in soup
One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.
"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.
"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.
"Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don’t you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"
"I'm sorry sir", the waitress replied, "but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:17:03 GMT -5
(this one yinz prolly won't really understand... but anway....)
Little Johnny was in his 4th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, pilot, salesman, etc...
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said Johnny, "He plays for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I was too embarrassed to say so."
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:17:17 GMT -5
A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me the President. Your Mother is the administrator of the money, so call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The Nanny, we'll consider the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes any sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severly soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his Mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding her door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his Father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concepts of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:20:01 GMT -5
On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him.
The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."
The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee.
As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut."
Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.
Plunging downwards to the ground the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard."
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:21:19 GMT -5
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that"
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great college!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"? The girl replied, "Oh my Goodness! I LOVE Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts!?"
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, Sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million bucks, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag."
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:23:29 GMT -5
An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded 'yes,' so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman saidto give Jesus a cup of hot tea, his treat.
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Redneck said, to give Jesus a cold glass of coke, on his bill.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he rose up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
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Post by Kr@zi Kenni on Jul 30, 2004 14:24:18 GMT -5
(last one for now...)
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:25:34 GMT -5
CIA Assassin
There was an opening with the CIA as an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three men but only one position was available.
So the day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
`We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained. 'Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.'
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, 'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.'
'Well,' says the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for the job then.'
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man. `Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her’<br> The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.
'I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'
'No,' the CIA man replied, `you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and get the hell home.'
Now the CIA are down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door of the same room and give him the same gun. 'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and kill her.'
The third man took the gun and opened the door and before the door had even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said,
`You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with f***ing blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.'
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:44:33 GMT -5
Stomach Complaint
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind.
The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.
The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "NOOO..!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder."
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Post by Fuggle on Jul 30, 2004 14:46:26 GMT -5
Blame the dog
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.
He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canapés the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped. 'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.
'Spot,' she cried out sharply.
I've got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll be fine. So he let loose a really big one.
'Spot,' shrieked the mother, 'get over here before he shits on you.'
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